Rain, Rain, Go Away.

Today is my appointment, it’s at 1030. My husband is coming home to watch R. I’m not expecting a lot from the appointment, basically they’re just seeing me to refer me out. Which is fine, it’s something. I’m still nervous.

Yesterday was an awful day. My husband went back to work after some time off. You’d think being a ‘single’ parent for 2 months would mean that I’d be okay with him back at work. Wrong. R fussed a lot, wouldn’t sleep, and kept screaming if I didn’t hold him. It didn’t stop after my husband got home either. The worst part was when R woke up at 1am, hungry. This isn’t his normal routine, but it happens from time to time. I got his bottle, warmed it up, and started feeding him. He kept spitting it out and wiggling. I tried burping him, it didn’t help. After 5 minutes, I was so frustrated. I had to put him back in his bassinet. I woke my husband up and asked him to feed R, and I went downstairs and sat on the floor by the couch. I cried for about 20 minutes. I just don’t understand why I get so frustrated so quickly.

One of the reasons I’ve waited this long to get help is because I thought this was all deployment emotions. My husband left when I was 5 months pregnant, and only got back 2 weeks ago, when R was just over 2 months old. I thought all the sad feelings were because he was gone, and once he got back, it’d all get better. If anything it’s gotten so much worse. If I felt this horrible while he was gone, I don’t know how I would have been able to care for our son, and that scares me. I get so sad when I see how bonded R and him are already. I mean, that’s wonderful, especially since he missed his birth and the first few months. But, shouldn’t I be more bonded than he is? I feel like such a failure sometimes.

I need to write down all my symptoms for my appointment. The way my brain has been, I’m sure I’ll forget something important.