Triggers.

I didn’t realize it had been so long since I’d written anything.

I’m doing all right. I have good days and bad ones. I fear I’m going to have to go back to the doctor to switch meds yet again. I’ve been having more bad days lately. It’s been nearly 2 years since I was diagnosed, the only difference I can spot is having more control over my emotions.

R is thriving. I feel I’m failing him on a daily basis. I try so hard. My husband will be gone for 6 weeks this summer, and I am dreading it. We are going to visit my parents right before. I’m looking forward to that.

I was having a good day. I got the bright idea to watch We Need to Talk About Kevin. Trigger overload. I exercised after, but barely made it through. I wish I could just get out of my own head for once.

I know what my triggers are. Instead of avoiding them, I find myself going out of my way to give them something to feed on. I need to stop. I feel so low right now.

PPD lies. PPD hurts. PPD steals everything from me, makes me anxious and uncomfortable in my own skin.

Envious.

I wish I were naturally maternal. I never planned on having a child. I still struggle with it. I try so hard with R. I know women who have 4, 5, 6, kids, and would have 20 if they could. I feel guilty sometimes for only having one. R is it for me, I have no desire to give him a sibling. People already ask me when I’m having another, or they just assume I’m planning on more. Nosy. With as stressed as I get some days, 1 is plenty.

I wish I could be one of those people who believed in God, or religion. It must be comforting. I would love to be able to, but my over-thinking and cynicism prevents that. Which is fine. Most days.

3 Months!

My baby is 3 months old today. Where does the time go? He had to get 2 shots this morning. I spent the better part of this week stressing about it. The shot he got at 2 months was awful. His whole body tensed up and he screamed. Today, not bad. He cried during and after, but was laughing 5 minutes later. It’s because my husband was able to come with, and is so calm and good with him. I stress so easily, and I’m sure R can feel it. I look back at the first 2 months, and I don’t know how I got through. I guess I did because I didn’t have a choice. I have no idea how single parents do it. They deserve a giant medal.

I have a theory that my symptoms got worse after my husband got home because of how easily he slipped into fatherhood. It’s wonderful, and I’m glad he adjusted so well. The dark part of me is jealous and resentful. Everything came and continues to come so easy for him. He’s such a great dad, and he makes it look so effortless. I break into cold sweats when R cries in the store, he smiles and coos at him. R screams because his stomach is upset, I have to take deep breaths and calm down before I pick him up, he immediately picks him up and soothes him. I shouldn’t be upset about this, and I’m not really, about how my husband is with R, I just wish I could be that way.

I started taking Pristiq, hopefully that helps. I can’t decide on what therapist to call, and I know I’m just procrastinating. I wrote on the calendar to call on Monday, on whomever I decide. Why does everything have to be so hard?

I need to be more positive. I’ve been so negative all week.

Pink Nail Polish Makes Me Happy.

It really does. I finally stopped chewing on my nails a few weeks ago, and they’re long again. I painted them OPI’s Strawberry Margarita.

I did okay yesterday and last night. I didn’t feel overwhelmed or frustrated. I told my husband about my PPD, and it went okay. I am horrible at asking for help, or doing anything that makes me feel vulnerable, he knows this. He told me he could tell something was wrong, he just didn’t know what to say. He Googled it while I was pregnant and he was deployed, just in case, so that’s something. Depression runs in my family.

Today started out pretty bad, but I feel better now. I had to go to Target to get my anti-depressant medication, my OB wrote me a prescription for Pristiq. I got up early, showered, fed and dressed R, and went. He started screaming about 5 minutes after we were at the store. He has a love hate relationship with his car seat, and today he hated it. I ran around Target and got what I needed, luckily my prescription was ready in 15 minutes, and I ran out of there. Of course he fell asleep on the way home, and was so happy once we got home. Someone told me the more I try to control the baby, his schedule, etc., the more stressed I’d be. They were right. I’m a control freak, and this not having control is really hard at times. My husband came home for lunch, listened to me vent and hugged me, that helped.

I’ve been reading Brooke Shield’s book. It was one of the things that really made me get help. I can relate to so many of her symptoms. There’s a part in the book where she talks about shower being her escape, and taking longer and longer ones to avoid the baby. I’ve been doing this since R was born, especially since my husband got home.

R has shots tomorrow. My husband may or may not be able to go with us, he’s finding out today. It just depends what is going on at his job. I can go by myself, I am just dreading it. Shots are terrible.

I’m looking up the few therapists my OB recommended, and am trying to decide on one so I can call tomorrow. I have to figure out child care, but that shouldn’t be too difficult. I just want to start feeling better. This roller coaster isn’t fun.

Rain, Rain, Go Away.

Today is my appointment, it’s at 1030. My husband is coming home to watch R. I’m not expecting a lot from the appointment, basically they’re just seeing me to refer me out. Which is fine, it’s something. I’m still nervous.

Yesterday was an awful day. My husband went back to work after some time off. You’d think being a ‘single’ parent for 2 months would mean that I’d be okay with him back at work. Wrong. R fussed a lot, wouldn’t sleep, and kept screaming if I didn’t hold him. It didn’t stop after my husband got home either. The worst part was when R woke up at 1am, hungry. This isn’t his normal routine, but it happens from time to time. I got his bottle, warmed it up, and started feeding him. He kept spitting it out and wiggling. I tried burping him, it didn’t help. After 5 minutes, I was so frustrated. I had to put him back in his bassinet. I woke my husband up and asked him to feed R, and I went downstairs and sat on the floor by the couch. I cried for about 20 minutes. I just don’t understand why I get so frustrated so quickly.

One of the reasons I’ve waited this long to get help is because I thought this was all deployment emotions. My husband left when I was 5 months pregnant, and only got back 2 weeks ago, when R was just over 2 months old. I thought all the sad feelings were because he was gone, and once he got back, it’d all get better. If anything it’s gotten so much worse. If I felt this horrible while he was gone, I don’t know how I would have been able to care for our son, and that scares me. I get so sad when I see how bonded R and him are already. I mean, that’s wonderful, especially since he missed his birth and the first few months. But, shouldn’t I be more bonded than he is? I feel like such a failure sometimes.

I need to write down all my symptoms for my appointment. The way my brain has been, I’m sure I’ll forget something important.