I suppose I should have taken my last entry as a warning sign, but I didn’t.

I crashed this weekend. No one saw it but me.

I was fine. Til yesterday. R did not want to go to bed. So he screamed. I brought him back downstairs, let him play a half hour longer, my husband took him back to bed. He screamed again. That was the longest 8 minutes of my life. I started sweating, I couldn’t focus. I was on the phone with my mom and I can’t remember that block of time talking to her. I couldn’t breathe.

That’s when I realized I’d forgotten to take my medication the day before. 12 hours of no meds, and that’s what happened. I guess that means I’m not getting off it anytime soon.

I have an appointment this week with my OB/GYN. She’s going to chastise me for not talking to anyone like she wanted me to. I know I should have. I went twice, hated the waiting room and how it made me feel. The doctor I had been seeing left as well, so I just didn’t go back. I never felt better for going, so I just didn’t. I’d have to drop R off at a sitter’s and I can’t do that yet. I’ve tried, I just can’t.

Today I feel drained. Restless. Tired. You can only push feelings down for so long til they force themselves to the surface.

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