Easy.

True, isn’t it? We really are too hard on ourselves. After my wallowing post yesterday, I started thinking. I may not like where I’m at all the time, I might wish I’d done more, but I’m where I need to be. I may not have the life I envisioned, but it’s still good, and I’m very thankful. I need to stop expecting more of myself than I can give.

Today for example. R is in a bad mood, I’m exhausted, and there are so many things I won’t get done. I was beating myself up about it as usual, and I thought ‘why am I doing this’? It’s not making me feel better, it’s making me feel like a failure. I have to make a conscious effort to be gentle with myself on days like this, and I’m not doing too bad. I’m doing what I can, and not worrying about the rest. R is actually in a better mood now too.

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Pathetic.

How did I get here? I used to have such aspirations. They did not include housewife, or stay at home mom. I was supposed to finish college, travel the world, and marry a neurosurgeon. Not get married at 18, spend the next 7 years piddling and doing nothing, then getting knocked off and having a baby. I’ve no one to blame but myself.

A friend of mine recently got out of the military. He’s going to Columbia in NYC, my dream city, and travels regularly. He went to Budapest last. I look at all his amazing pictures and just cry. I want to take Rogue and move to France. I hate my life, and I want Rogue to have all the opportunities that I didn’t. It just sucks, all of it.