I’m Here, but Not Really.

I’m so out of it these days. I feel like I”m just going through the motions. I make myself get out of bed. I make myself clean, run errands.

The bright spot of my days, is R. He’s getting so big. I lie on the couch, with him sitting on my stomach, and we play. We talk, I make faces, he giggles. I love it. He’s successfully transitioned to his pack and play to sleep, and moves all over all the time. When I get up in the morning, his feet are usually in the air, he’s babbling, trying to grab them. He’s always so happy to see me, no matter what. The amount that I love him makes my heart ache. I remember a time when I felt so disconnected from him, and this feels wonderful.

I’ve been debating moving back home. My husband is never home, I need a better support system. If I moved home, I could finish school sooner, I’d have help. But, I’d have to move. I hate moving. I don’t know. I’m still thinking about it. I haven’t broached the subject with my husband at all, because I just don’t know yet. When I do, we’ll talk.

I’m ready for the New Year. This past one was rough.

Pull Me Up.

I feel like I’m drowning.

I just feel helpless. I’ve been massively overeating. As uncomfortable as I get, I still eat more. I just don’t feel the need to stop.

R’s screaming really got to me tonight. I had to just hand him off to my husband. I was able to soothe him a little while later though. I just needed a little break.

I hate this roller coaster. Is this depression? I feel so great one week, then horrible the next. My thoughts are terrible, as are my dreams. I just can’t escape.

It’s not the holidays. I don’t try to make everything perfect, or compare my holiday to others. I grew up not celebrating, so I’m not ‘used’ to it yet.

I just want the depression to go away and stay away. I can’t take feeling like this.

Relapse.

I need to call a doctor. I need to start going to therapy.

Last night I was making dinner, and the thoughts came back, full force. I literally stopped chopping garlic and said ‘Leave me alone.’ And they did, for a little while. I was so thrown off by it. I’ve been feeling a lot better. I think I forgot that I could still have those thoughts, that they could come back at any time, that they haven’t been gone for that long.

I need to start exercising regularly again. I feel so much better when I do.

Since it is Positive Wednesday, I will write a positive.

#1

Even though I am having a rough time, I still don’t feel as close to as bad as I did at the beginning.

My bug.

I’m feeling sad today. I blame Marley and Me.

I turned the TV on, and the channel it was on, happened to be playing the movie. It was the last 10 minutes. I cried like a baby. I lost my own dog, my Charlie, this past March. I was 5 months pregnant, and it was about a week before my husband deployed. His poor little heart gave out. He didn’t suffer, and he was with me when he went. I have his ashes in a little box on the shelf, with his collar and a clay pawprint. I have a few framed photos next to it. I miss him every day. He really taught me to be a mom, silly as that sounds. I was so looking forward to seeing how he would interact with R. I wish he was still with us.

This is the last picture I took of him, about a week before he died. I miss him so much.

Moon River.

Hello again.

My weekend wasn’t too bad. We got R his first ornament. I was hoping to find one that reminded me of him, and I did. My husband agreed that it was totally and completely R, so we got it. My baby is getting so big.

I was exhausted on Saturday. I just could not wake up. R has been sleeping in his pack and play, he’s graduated from the little bassinet/chair we had him in before. Saturday night, I was up about every hour, checking on him. I slept better on Sunday. He’s been waking up around 1am to eat, he just goes through this phase sometimes. It makes me look forward to my morning cup of coffee.

I feel pretty okay though. I haven’t had the ‘bad’ thoughts lately. I stick up for myself far more than I used to, which makes me feel good. Not that I need to do so on a daily basis, but the friends I used to let run over me, don’t anymore. I don’t think they like that too much, but I don’t care. 🙂

I’ve been reading Down Came the Rain again. It is so much different to me the 2nd time around. It’s still so helpful and inspiring, but in a completely new way. I want to hug Brooke Shields. She’s helped me so so much, no telling how many others.

I love feeling better. Love love love.

 

Aack.

What’s that phrase? “I try to take it one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once”? That’s how I feel today. I am overwhelmed by everything. I finally had to just think of doing one thing at a time. Like, go to get dressed. Done. Wash face. Done. Check mail. Done. Boil water for formula. Done. I think of everything I need to do, and I get panicky and can’t breathe. I need to remind myself to breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

I survived my period. I was more weepy, of course, but other than that not awful.

I’m glad the weekend is nearly here. We’re going to go get R his first Xmas ornament. All his presents are on the way here. My husband gets his present this weekend, stupid video game. I don’t know what I’ll get. Probably nothing, unless I buy it myself. My husband isn’t the most thoughtful person.

Breathe. Breathe.

 

Change of Pace.

This blog is mostly ‘me me me’, so I thought I’d talk about something else for a change.

I don’t really talk about it, but my husband is a Marine. He’s been deployed 5 times, 4 of those were to combat zones. Anyway, today marks the official end of the Iraq war. I watched the coverage on CNN this morning. My husband’s first deployment in 04 was to Iraq. He lost 2 of his friends, and was injured multiple times. It took him a long time to talk to me about what happened and what he went through. I marvel at his strength. I can not imagine going through a quarter of what he did. He thinks about his friends, and everything that happened every day. I don’t know how he does it, but I suppose that is why he is a Marine and I am not.

I remember Obama announcing the Iraq war was over, and my husband getting very emotional. Last night, Rachel Maddow mostly devoted her show to the quiet end of the Iraq war. My husband, who is the farthest from a liberal you can get, actually agreed with her. There is no monumental celebration or ceremony in the US marking the end of the war. The divide between the military community and civilians is huge. It seems like the military, their sacrifice is mostly forgotten. The Iraq war is one of those uncomfortable things that no one wants to talk about. It’s rapidly becoming the next Vietnam.

I guess I have no real point in this blog. I just wanted to talk about something that mattered to my husband, and to me. Thanks for reading.

Positive Wednesday.

I have more positives. Yay!

Positive #1

R got shots today. I had to take him by myself, my husband couldn’t get off work. We both did okay. R saw the shots coming this time, he started crying as soon as we headed back there. But, he stopped crying soon after and I had him smiling in the waiting room. He was also very patient while we waited, he just sat in my lap and looked around. I had to go to the bank and Target after, which I was dreading, but he slept through all of it. Awesome.

Positive #2

I can tell I’m feeling so much better. Today was R was crying, I didn’t freak out, I didn’t start sweating. I just soothed him, and he was okay. I haven’t been able to do that up til now. I was so happy I could get over my anxiety and just be there for my baby. I’m sure he was happy too.

Positive #3

I’m feeling much more motivated. I’m not letting the house get horribly messy before I clean it, I keep up on things better. I get dressed every day, I brush my hair. This is huge.

Positive #4

After my crash yesterday, I pulled myself out of it. I let myself cry and feel hopeless, then I got up and went about my day. It didn’t set me back as much as it has in the past.

Crashed.

I was afraid it would happen, after my few days of feeling fantastic. And it did, about an hour ago. I no longer have a problem being able to cry.

I don’t know what triggered it. Maybe that I can’t go grocery shopping when I want to. R doesn’t tolerate it, at all. He screams after 10 minutes. So, I’ve been going on the weekends so I don’t have to take him. This past weekend, I didn’t go. I needed to go yesterday, but I just can’t take R. I can’t concentrate when he starts yelling, and I’d just have to leave. I checked into a grocery store that shops for you, you just have to pick it up, but the fees they charge are ridiculous. My husband has been trying to get off early enough so I can go before the store closes, but that’s not happening tonight, he has to work late. I know I should just suck it up, go and get what I can, but I don’t want to. Ugh.

I’m just sad now. My husband and I have not been getting along well and I don’t really know what to do. I don’t want to go too deep into it, but the fighting makes me want to go to my parent’s with R and not come back.

I have so many regrets. Not finishing college when I had the chance, not having a job, not being where I thought I would be at 26. It’s soul crushing.

Dry.

I’m still doing much better. Today I feel sort of blah, but that’s mostly because it’s Monday and cloudy. Cloudy days make me sleepy.

I can’t cry. Seriously. After months of trying to stop crying, I can’t cry now. I don’t think that’s good. Maybe I’m just cried out?

R has been waking up every 4 hours during the night the past few days. I am so tired. He also can roll over now. He’s done it 3 times. He’s getting so big.

My husband may potentially deploy in February. I’m trying not to panic/worry/freak out til we know for sure, but I feel really sad. He just got back. I also know this means my family would pressure me to move back home, and I don’t know what I want to do yet. I’ll just take it one thing at a time. No planning til we know. Ugh.

I am planning to go back to school after the first of the year. I think I know what I want to major in, finally. I just need to apply and go back.