I think I need a different antidepressant. This one makes my mind a little calmer, but it demotivates me. I didn’t have any motivation to begin with, and it just makes it worse. I have an appointment on the 9th with my OB, and on the 14th with the psychiatrist, so I will definitely bring this up.
Yesterday was awful. I completely flipped out on my husband for no reason at all. He went on a 15 minute drive to cool off, and I don’t blame him. I was horrible, I said awful things and I yelled. A lot. When he came home, he hugged and told me to feel better. It made me cry. He was so nice to me the rest of the day. He took care of R and just let me be. After R was asleep, we talked, he asked me about my medication, what’s going on in my head, how I’m feeling, everything.
Everyday I just say I want to feel better. I feel like I’m losing that battle all the time. I’ll have moments of goodness, of when I’m happy and not having bad thoughts. R’s screaming doesn’t frustrate me as bad as it used to, and I do feel a little more connected to him. Then, I have to will myself out of bed in the morning and it starts all over again. I hate fighting all the time, it’s so exhausting. I have to fight not to cry, to feel better, to calm down. I want to get better so badly. I keep thinking that I won’t be this way forever, it will get better. So much of the time it doesn’t seem like it.