I made an appointment to speak to someone this morning. I have it on Thursday. Because of my insurance, I have an $85 copay. Super.

Friday, R had an appointment in Chapel Hill. He was born with a little extra thumb on his left hand, and had to get X-rays. He did okay. He screamed a little on the car ride, while waiting for the doctor, and after his X-ray. Not horrible. His thumb looks okay. It’s not connected to his hand by bone, so they’ll be able to snip it off and recovery will be easy. That will be around a year from now. I was so stressed out about his appointment. My neck and shoulders are still sore.

Saturday, I was sick all day. I ate bad chicken nuggets on Friday, and threw up early in the morning. I ate chicken soup and laid on the couch the rest of the day. My husband took care of R, thank goodness he was home. I started to feel better that night, and was fine by Sunday.

I’ve just been stressed out all weekend. R is also teething, and screams around bedtime every night. Putting him in his swing helps, and that’s about it. His screams bother me so much. My husband says I shouldn’t let them get to me, babies scream, etc. I can’t help it. If I could make them not put me on edge,  or make me feel like running away, I would. It’s just not that easy.

I don’t know if the antidepressants are working or not. Sometimes it feels like they are, sometimes it feels like they’re not. I don’t know. I’m not naive enough to stop taking them, but I’ll discuss it with the doctor. Plus, I haven’t been on them that long, they may not have kicked in fully. Some days I look at R and think how lucky I am, how perfect he is, what a sweet guy he is. There are other times where I think I had no business having a child, and if I’ll ever feel like his mom. I still don’t.

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