On my way.

Nothing like the waiting room of a psychiatric facility to make you feel better.

I went this morning. It wasn’t too bad. I was very nervous, but they just did an assessment and I’m going back in 2 weeks. My doctor was extremely cute, I don’t know if I can continue seeing him if I go there for therapy. It’s like having a hot gynecologist. He was very nice though, I really liked him.

Today is Halloween. It’s the first year we haven’t carved pumpkins. I guess there’s just been too much going on around here. We’ll do it next year. R will be big enough to help, too.

I don’t feel so bad today. I had a rough time getting out of bed, but no more than usual. I just can’t wait to feel better.

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Tired.

I haven’t posted in a few days. I had a stomach bug, R is teething, and I just slept a lot when I could.

I canceled my appointment on Friday. It’s tomorrow morning instead. I”m nervous, but it will be all right.

I’ve had such dark thoughts this past week. Horrible ones that I can’t shake. On a particularly bad day, I got this email from Daily Hope:

“Drag your thoughts away from your troubles … by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.  ~ Mark Twain

It’s so easy to be consumed by the darkness in your mind right now.  The intrusive thoughts, the fears the worries.  All the ways you beat yourself up.  I found I was literally cussing at my own brain to leave me the hell alone.  It’s exhausting to be focused so much on negative things (and I know you don’t want to be, it’s just how your mind is working right now).  So how about giving yourself a vacation from those thoughts, whenever you can, even if it’s brief?  Envision packing them off for a while, sending them away while you do whatever you can — exercise, being with others, going out in nature, listening to music you love or watching a show that makes you laugh — that will give you a break from all of that ruminating.

— Katherine

Those words helped me so much, right when I needed it. I’m so grateful for others out there who know what I’m feeling.

You can get Daily Hope from http://postpartumprogress.org

Stress.

I made an appointment to speak to someone this morning. I have it on Thursday. Because of my insurance, I have an $85 copay. Super.

Friday, R had an appointment in Chapel Hill. He was born with a little extra thumb on his left hand, and had to get X-rays. He did okay. He screamed a little on the car ride, while waiting for the doctor, and after his X-ray. Not horrible. His thumb looks okay. It’s not connected to his hand by bone, so they’ll be able to snip it off and recovery will be easy. That will be around a year from now. I was so stressed out about his appointment. My neck and shoulders are still sore.

Saturday, I was sick all day. I ate bad chicken nuggets on Friday, and threw up early in the morning. I ate chicken soup and laid on the couch the rest of the day. My husband took care of R, thank goodness he was home. I started to feel better that night, and was fine by Sunday.

I’ve just been stressed out all weekend. R is also teething, and screams around bedtime every night. Putting him in his swing helps, and that’s about it. His screams bother me so much. My husband says I shouldn’t let them get to me, babies scream, etc. I can’t help it. If I could make them not put me on edge,  or make me feel like running away, I would. It’s just not that easy.

I don’t know if the antidepressants are working or not. Sometimes it feels like they are, sometimes it feels like they’re not. I don’t know. I’m not naive enough to stop taking them, but I’ll discuss it with the doctor. Plus, I haven’t been on them that long, they may not have kicked in fully. Some days I look at R and think how lucky I am, how perfect he is, what a sweet guy he is. There are other times where I think I had no business having a child, and if I’ll ever feel like his mom. I still don’t.

Gloomy Day.

It was raining when I woke up this morning and it hasn’t stopped. This kind of weather makes me want to nap all day.

I still haven’t called to make an appointment with a psychiatrist. I keep putting it off. I don’t know why. I don’t know if it will help to talk to someone. It can’t hurt, but I still find ways to avoid making the appointment. Ugh.

I’ve been feeling better, some of the time. Today I just feel blah. Not sad, just like I don’t want to do anything. I need to take a shower and fold laundry. I thought I’d have more energy once R started sleeping through the night, but I don’t. I feel so tired all the time.

Guilty.

I have guilt about so many things.

One is when my mom showed me her new lemon zester. She was happy about it, and kept the plastic thing on it. I said something about the plastic part on my new potato peeler, and how I took it off. She giggled a little and said she should probably take it off then. I quickly told her I probably should’ve kept the plastic on the peeler, because it was so sharp, so she wasn’t silly for keeping it on the zester. I even feel bad typing out the story, and this happened a few years ago. I wasn’t trying to be mean, or make fun of her. I don’t think she even took it that way. But, I still feel bad about it.

Today, my husband asked me about taking out some money for a work thing. We’re on a pretty tight budget, we have savings, but rarely dip into it, I want the money to be there when we truly need it. Anyway, he’d already taken out a good amount for another work thing, so I told him no. I mean, we would have been fine if he’d taken out the money, but it’s already tight, and I didn’t want to have to have even less, especially when he already took extra money out. He did the heavy sigh and ‘okay’ thing. So, of course now I feel bad. I shouldn’t, but I do.

I feel guilty about the house not always being spotless, having leftovers instead of cooking dinner, the baby not always being happy, not having more money, not being thinner, not being finished with school, not being more social, not having a job. That’s the short list.

I’ve always had guilt about everything, it seems like. When I was younger, my mom used to tell me it was because I was just more sensitive than other people. I really hate it.

New Week.

This weekend wasn’t too bad, honestly. R had a day yesterday. His stomach was upset, and he screamed and ate very little. He was on my shoulder most of the day, it was the only thing that helped. I got overwhelmed once, and sat outside in the sun for 20 minutes. Other than that, I was good. That means the medication must be working. It’s easier when my husband is home too, he helps out a lot.

Like I said in my other post, I went grocery shopping this weekend. I went again on Sunday, to get the things I forgot. It’s nice to be alone for a little bit. I called my parents last night, I do almost every Sunday. I can’t wait to visit in November. R has changed so much since they’ve seen him last.

I haven’t made an appointment with a psychiatrist yet. After yesterday, I just want to relax today. I know who I’m calling, and I just changed the ‘call psych’ to tomorrow on the calendar. I will do it, I promise.

I read this earlier and it made me so sad for her:

http://theclicker.today.com/_news/2011/10/17/8363134-es-giuliana-rancic-reveals-she-has-breast-cancer

One of the reasons I felt so guilty about being depressed at having a baby was because of stories like hers, women who would give anything to get pregnant and can’t. I was lucky and got pregnant without even trying, so many women would kill for that, so how dare I be sad, you know? I wish I could give my fertility away to people like her, honestly. Who deserve children and can’t seem to have them. I hope she beats her cancer and is able to get pregnant. I’ve watched her reality show from the beginning, and it’s just so unfair. Not that cancer is ever fair, but in her situation, it seems so awful.

Not a whole lot on the agenda today. R has been pretty mellow, his stomach is all better. I need to fold laundry and clean the refrigerator. It’s okay if you’re jealous.

Little Black Raincloud.

I’m trying so so hard to not be negative.

I went grocery shopping this morning, and it was a disaster. I go on the weekend so the husband can stay home with R. I’m spacey today, and I forgot a few things, which bothers me more than it should. I came home and told my husband and he just says it’s okay, you can get it later. It is still bugging me.

I just feel hopeless today. I could go back to bed and not wake up til tomorrow, but I won’t. I won’t let this feeling get the best of me. I feel like I have to push against this sadness all the time and it gets exhausting.

The hard part of the day is over at least. I’m going to try my hardest to let it go and have a good afternoon and evening.

3 Months!

My baby is 3 months old today. Where does the time go? He had to get 2 shots this morning. I spent the better part of this week stressing about it. The shot he got at 2 months was awful. His whole body tensed up and he screamed. Today, not bad. He cried during and after, but was laughing 5 minutes later. It’s because my husband was able to come with, and is so calm and good with him. I stress so easily, and I’m sure R can feel it. I look back at the first 2 months, and I don’t know how I got through. I guess I did because I didn’t have a choice. I have no idea how single parents do it. They deserve a giant medal.

I have a theory that my symptoms got worse after my husband got home because of how easily he slipped into fatherhood. It’s wonderful, and I’m glad he adjusted so well. The dark part of me is jealous and resentful. Everything came and continues to come so easy for him. He’s such a great dad, and he makes it look so effortless. I break into cold sweats when R cries in the store, he smiles and coos at him. R screams because his stomach is upset, I have to take deep breaths and calm down before I pick him up, he immediately picks him up and soothes him. I shouldn’t be upset about this, and I’m not really, about how my husband is with R, I just wish I could be that way.

I started taking Pristiq, hopefully that helps. I can’t decide on what therapist to call, and I know I’m just procrastinating. I wrote on the calendar to call on Monday, on whomever I decide. Why does everything have to be so hard?

I need to be more positive. I’ve been so negative all week.

Pink Nail Polish Makes Me Happy.

It really does. I finally stopped chewing on my nails a few weeks ago, and they’re long again. I painted them OPI’s Strawberry Margarita.

I did okay yesterday and last night. I didn’t feel overwhelmed or frustrated. I told my husband about my PPD, and it went okay. I am horrible at asking for help, or doing anything that makes me feel vulnerable, he knows this. He told me he could tell something was wrong, he just didn’t know what to say. He Googled it while I was pregnant and he was deployed, just in case, so that’s something. Depression runs in my family.

Today started out pretty bad, but I feel better now. I had to go to Target to get my anti-depressant medication, my OB wrote me a prescription for Pristiq. I got up early, showered, fed and dressed R, and went. He started screaming about 5 minutes after we were at the store. He has a love hate relationship with his car seat, and today he hated it. I ran around Target and got what I needed, luckily my prescription was ready in 15 minutes, and I ran out of there. Of course he fell asleep on the way home, and was so happy once we got home. Someone told me the more I try to control the baby, his schedule, etc., the more stressed I’d be. They were right. I’m a control freak, and this not having control is really hard at times. My husband came home for lunch, listened to me vent and hugged me, that helped.

I’ve been reading Brooke Shield’s book. It was one of the things that really made me get help. I can relate to so many of her symptoms. There’s a part in the book where she talks about shower being her escape, and taking longer and longer ones to avoid the baby. I’ve been doing this since R was born, especially since my husband got home.

R has shots tomorrow. My husband may or may not be able to go with us, he’s finding out today. It just depends what is going on at his job. I can go by myself, I am just dreading it. Shots are terrible.

I’m looking up the few therapists my OB recommended, and am trying to decide on one so I can call tomorrow. I have to figure out child care, but that shouldn’t be too difficult. I just want to start feeling better. This roller coaster isn’t fun.

So Much More.

I had my appointment. I got so much more from it then I had anticipated.

I saw the OB I’d had during my whole pregnancy, and who delivered R. She sat and talked to me for over half an hour, about how I was feeling, what was going on, how it’s been since my husband got home. She shared her personal experiences with me, she’s a PPD survivor. She told me what she did to get through it at home, aside from medication and therapy. She said she wanted me to know I wasn’t alone, I wasn’t a freak, and I wasn’t a bad mom. That I won’t feel this way forever, and it will get better. I started to cry. I’m so so grateful for her.

She wrote me a prescription for Pristiq, and gave me several names of therapists around here that are good. She told me to look into drop in childcare, for my therapy sessions, or just to get a break and run errands alone. She listened to every concern I had, and didn’t blow anything I said off. She said that at the end of my pregnancy, she suspected I was depressed, but wanted to see if it was pregnancy related, or if it carried on afterwards, especially since my husband was deployed. I wish wish wish she was my regular doctor, not just my OB/gynecologist.

I have a follow-up with her in 6 weeks, so she can see how I’m doing.